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[23 Sep 2003|11:54pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Tori Amos - Time |
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slippery
chasing joy through one more
sad passage
sorrow clinging from the walls
strands drawn thin and loose from
time
and sticking
still
without the weight to fall
or infirmity to float
misery cascading
down its serpentining slope
never flourishing and never
perishing.
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[12 Sep 2003|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy; lonely |
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music |
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Fiona Apple (version) - Across the Universe |
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Do you feel lonely Landon? I do. This apartment is not the same without you and jenn.
I want to know if I have ADD. The more I read, the more it seems fitting. It doesn't seem like it's caused by genetics, though, rather by my prematurity and complications at birth, Weird to think of myself as having a sort of learning disorder. Born premature at birth, though. Only 3 1/2 pounds at birth, and had been exposed to numerous drugs in utero. Prescription drugs, but necessary, because my mother's kidney problems.
I miss my car so much.
I'm drunk; I admit it. And I left you money on the fridge, Landon, because I'm drinking your Smirnoffs. Maria and I went to Olive Garden. I could hardly eat, but had a couple glasses of wine. The waiter was so cute, but must not have been into me, like I maybe thought. I hate being rejected. Apparently she thought I was sort of rude at the end. I didn't mean to be. I tipped him well. Anyway, she didn't think I was flirting shamelessly, although I was afraid I was. I'm used to being chased, though, and apathy offends me. But I guess I don't have the looks I used to.
I guess as stupid as I know it is, I fear that if I'm not beautiful, nobody will love me. Not because beautiful people are unlovable, only because the traits I possess are the kinds made charming by beauty, obnoxious otherwise. (lol, maybe even obnoxious still)
Anyway, I don't like to feel negative or sorry for myself. I just get sad periodically. It doesn't bother me. I don't desire to kill myself or hurt myself. I hardly ever cry anymore. I just sometimes can't stand it, that's all.
I think that's okay.
If you're me, it's your existence.
I found out recently that my grandmother used to think she was related to the JP Morgan (banking) family. Her being the daughter of politicians in Japan. She used to tell me we were descended from emperors, although we were not.
My grandmother, she never sleeps.
My other grandmother, she visited recently. She drinks quite a bit, and bought me a bottle of delicious wine; we went wine tasting. It was a more enjoyable visit than I feared. She's the type to criticize--always made fun of my mom's weight growing up, so I was sure she's make fun of fine. My mom said she didn't have a negative word to say about me, though. That was comforting. I felt so nervous. I have two tall, blond, thin cousins about my age that I figured would suddenly be considered the pretty ones, now that they were sort of adult like me. But she said I was beautiful.
It means so much to me.
I know it shouldn't. I don't know why it does.
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| you wanna take your medication every day... |
[04 Sep 2003|11:11pm] |
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music |
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Everclear - Normal Like You |
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I guess everyone needs an update, huh! I don't even know how to start. Firstly, I apologize for not replying to budrfly2005 and piffy--I was stuck away from my beloved computer and internet (and in severe withdrawal!) for like a week and a half at my parents'.
So I totaled my car.
I don't remember much about the days immediately following that, because (as I only know because I sloppily scribbled in my diary) apparently right after that, I took about 6 pills of ativan, an unknown quantity of aspirin, and 4 or 5 tylenol with codeine #4s. It wasn't a suicidal gesture at all--in fact, it really made me look at myself differently afterwards, briefly--I just remember I kept thinking I had a headache, and I just wanted to relax. Nothing came of it--I was probably lucky--but I was sick and drugged out for a few days even after it happened.
Well, then yesterday I met with my psychiatrist. The combination of meds I am now on is good--1000 mg of depakote, 150 mg of effexor, 1 mg of ativan as needed for sleeping. She thinks I'm stable (as do I), but she also thinks that I have ADD (certainly the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind) and that's a lot of why I have a hard such a ridiculously hard time with driving, schoolwork, completing things, directions, timeliness, and that forgetfulness stuff (like locking myself out of my car with regularity) and would like to try me on a bit of dextrostat or dexedrine. Except she's leaving--which we knew was coming--for a job in California now, so I need to switch doctors, and can't try anything until then, since, of course, she's not gonna trial me on a drug and not follow me up on it.
So it's kind of frustrating, and I'm kind of antsy and anxious, because I want to know if this is it and if we can make it better, and wow that would be more amazing than I or my parents can express. It would just explain so much, I could write volumes on it. My difficulties with school and home, even when I'm stable, even when I'm trying so hard, and just can't do what I need to do, remember what I need to remember, focus on what I need to focus on.
It's funny. We also talked about my personality, because Dr. Walton thinks I have a naturally risk-taking personality. (She still reiterates how classically bipolar I I am even though I say I don't see it, and she says when will you? and I say "when I lose control." And she says it doesn't take a total loss of control.) And my parents think that must be the illness, because I was so different as a kid. And Dr. Walton said, nope, this was me, and I just changed somewhere in adolescence. My personality "blossomed." It's a comforting thought; it eases one of my greatest fears. Not the risk-taking part specifically, I mean the idea that I could have genuinely changed from when I was a kid. Apparently I have, and therefore my world makes sense, and all points of reference are not so whacked out as they'd otherwise feel/be.
I have an awful headache. Motrin kick in. Still I'm in good spirits. :-)
So I see my new doctor on Sept 22. I see the eye doctor...sometime on a wednesday this month at 2:15. I submit my college applications this month.
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[26 Aug 2003|01:01pm] |
oh lord
fucking ass hole week'
i am a cruel joke unto my msyself
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[15 Aug 2003|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
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music |
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Radish - Drink Me Away |
] |
I'm finding...that I'm in quite the good mood. I think this Effexor is the right stuff. (thumbs up, imaflip. It is making me mildly hypertensive, but I feel like I'd rather tell my Dr I want to cut out salt and take diuretics (haha like I don't already ;-) bad joke) than try something else.
But we'll see.
It's just neat; I feel like everything is easy to take in stride now. Matt says that it just didn't continue to work for him, though. But you know, I'm not Matt. (Although I practically am!) It's nice, Matt and I laugh a lot. And I talked to mariactitus on that phone for a while the other night, and that was pretty cool, because usually I don't *like* talking on the phone, but that was enjoyable.
I just got my haircut. I also dyed it, but it's hard to tell in the pictures. So I made some new buddy icons. It was mildly traumatic, but I enjoy having it short--I cut at least four inches off. It kind of makes me feel refreshed, invigorated.
I feel like I have a new attitude, new style, etc.
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| i had to print this out 'cause it's so perfect. i'm late for work. i don't care. i can't |
[13 Aug 2003|10:47am] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Ben Kweller - apparition of purity |
] |
Your Name: Kristen R---- M-------
Your Date of Birth: 11/21/82
Your Question or Information: i dream of flying
Past Isa - Cessation of energy, freezing an issue where it stands, cooling relationships, separation, division. | Present Hagall - Slow, steady pace, no disruptions, asking for a hand from fate within a situation you do not control. | Future Gebo - Gifts, partnerships on all realms, sex magick, brilliance, integration of energies. |
Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster
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[11 Aug 2003|11:04pm] |
 .
You're known for starting trouble. But you play it cool. Besides, no one can resist your sharp eyes and quick wit. *They* eat from the palm of your hand. Though you have weaknesses, which may have deadly consequences, you, are resurrected, as if the gods themselves breathed immortality into you.
Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.
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[11 Aug 2003|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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sad/drugged/mellow |
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music |
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Coldplay - the Scientist |
] |
all of the things about life and death which is reveals to me...those are what bother me.
anyway...well, tonight it happened. my dog died.
last night as I left, I knew it was going to happen. you could see it in him, he was in too much pain. he was scared, vulnerable, tense. the idea of being in so much pain that death is a bittersweet, enveloping relief is so sad.
it makes me think of how just around the time we got Archie, my mom was seriously considering trying to have another child. She really wanted to, and I had mixed feelings. But I wanted this hundreds-dollar cat, and that sort of is what led to us getting a dog...I remember my best friend at the time made him a Christmas stocking for his first Christmas, on which she puffy-painted the most awesome picture of a rottweiler.
It makes me look at everyone who is sick differently, and everyone who just doesn't want to live differently. That death is the product of life becoming too difficult to live that your mind, your soul, or your body give up...is a terrible thought.
I think I'm going to take some more ativan. It's probably the only reason I feel so peaceful, when I'd normally be in hysterics, hyperventilating and paranoid, because death has reminded em of its omniscent presence.
*sigh*
I know he's just a dog, but he was my dog. He was the dog who I stayed home with all the summer before seventh grade house-breaking. He was the dog who greeted me, barking, when I came home from school for the next six years after that. And then he kept me company, and made me feel safe when I was home alone. you k now, sometimes, he made me feel like a normal kid with the best pal dog, at times of my life when I didn't feel much like a kid, let alone a normal one.
i have regrets in my life. i have places where I failed to be what I think I should have been, and subsequently been unfair, been unwise, been unkind, or missed out on something good.
I wouldn't be human if i didn't mourn those.
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[08 Aug 2003|08:43pm] |
By the time I got home from work, everybody'd left already! At least, I'm guessing. The apartment was empty.
I stopped by Giant on my way home to get my photos (and actually left with just that). *G* I've learned that, seriously, tossing a camera at a bunch of drunk people doesn't make for much artistic genius, even if it is in black and white. There are some really cute pictures in there, but there are a lot of really off-centered ones, and people have a lot of what-would-be-red-eye. The black and white film was a neat experiment, but I think I'll stick with color for this kind of stuff from now on. Anyway, it's pretty cool. I love photos. And Jim's nuts didn't come out. (hahaha) That's probably a good thing. ;-)
So, now I'm taking Effexor. I think this is it. (How many times have I said that?? *rolls eyes*) She very strongly doesn't want me on the Wellbutrin because of the irritability. And yeah...lost my train of thought. anyway, she also gave me some ativan (she was surprised I hadn't been on it before, or any benzodiazepine...I wonder why she was under the impression that I'd had) for some of the anxiety, but only under the stipulation that I stop messing with my meds, and I get just a little bit since, you know...although I say I couldn't get addicted (I don't like to be sedated) I don't use things properly, and that's how you get in trouble...i haven't needed them yet. i, obviously, intend to use them sparingly. theres only (technically) 21. *G* it's kinda funny, actually, there are supposed to be 20...but i'm not complaining. i only counted 'cause i lost one when I was looking at them in my hand, and then when i found it, i had more. lol which seems shady of me...
but i am kinda curious to try taking one tonight. i'm fucking tired as hell...
i fell asleep on my lunch break...or just lost track of time. which is pretty weird. usually i'm too wound up, strung out about time when potential sleep is involved for me to have problems. usually i wake up early and repeatedly...
anyway, effexor is supposed to be good for giving me that kick i need, energy-wise, and for keeping the worry monsters at bay.
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| rocky raccoon |
[06 Aug 2003|10:47pm] |
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i feel more like someone just clicked my refresh button than i have in a while...
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[04 Aug 2003|12:58am] |
i had so so much fun on saturday! i didn't feel like writing, but i had to mention that. i was so sad when everyone started leaving. but man, i got exhausted pretty quickly after that; I didn't realize how tired i was. (plus the drunkenness just totally caught up with me) but crashing on that couch and being out cold practically when i hit the pillow...that felt so incredible. the first night ever i've been able to sleep all the way through in over a month. and when i woke up, i felt better about things. the stress i'd been feeling...it got out of my system. saturday wasn't an escape--it was a release. which is a pretty awesome thing.
i didn't feel too bad when i first woke up, though, but man i had a pounding headache by midday...that lasted right through my weak attempts to squelch it with small doses of aspirin and caffeine and pure hydration (water) until i took finally just took four of the full strength suckers and drove home.
i think i'm coming down with something is what it really is. i feel like i have a sinus infection.
but i need to go to sleep.
and then tomorrow develop my very *ahem* interesting role of pictures...*G*
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| quickly so as not to disturb the skin |
[31 Jul 2003|09:14pm] |
so i got my second tattoo...spur of the moment, but i am positively thrilled. it is absolutely, absolutely perfect in all regards.
so the last almost-24-hours have felt trying. maybe lack of sleep is making my moods cycle more, maybe it's me fucking with my meds (*looks away guiltily*), and maybe it's just my volatile system responding to this difficult seeming-crux in my life, but i've been off. those psychotic demons started kicking up inside my head--carve your penitence into your leg, they are doing this to you on purpose, you are/you are not humanity--and making me feel miserable and dazed. not quite in touch with reality, not quite free enough to snap from it. arguing back and forth with nonsense.
anyway, my dog is dying. maybe it sounds stupid to you, maybe you understand, but everytime i even start to think about it, i tear up. i cried on the phone last night with my mom, i sobbed in my shower afterwards, i cried in the car today driving home from work. his cancer (for which he had an leg amputation and has been on prednisone and painkillers i could sell for fortune in the city ever since) is still very much there, and very much aggressive.
most disturbing of all, though, is the unshakable perspective that death in reality brings to life. irregardless of what you believe in regret and penitence, you begin to see how you will never have all the time you would need to ask for forgiveness to anyone gone, and no matter how much more you had, it still would never feel like enough. but you can't stop making these mistakes.
then today, post-lunch, i just flew into a rage. i was so frustrated, for no reason at all. one more of those fiery balls of hatred at the world bursting inside of me--hatred because i hated myself, because i couldn't be good enough, and just because i did, and just because it was my fault. compounded with the elementary *realization* that your not angry at, but unfairly acting out your anger on an unjustified external target. then i chilled out okay. it happened again but not so bad.
i still feel just out of kilter.
and then driving home, i got this idea. i wanted an ankh, the proposed symbol of life, rebirth, fertility, sexuality, eternity, on my wrist. i had contemplated getting something around or over where the scars were or are, depending on your definition of scar, from cutting myself. marking over that stage of my life with something more constructive. this serves that purpose. and over the veins of the wrist it is symbolic. fragility, vulnerability, indispensability...
i just feel like my work is breaking apart. pieces are falling away from me. and i'd rather be alone than make a mistake or draw someone into something they'd rather not face, but i still crave comfort so deeply. everyone is or has broken away from me. everything is or has. it's time to face what i've lost, and soon i'll have to face more losing. and me...i don't know what there is out there for me. nothign seems right.
except perhaps writing. but i want to write of some significance. and where do i find that kind of inspiration??
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[20 Jul 2003|11:03pm] |
Usually sleeping in the sunroom at my parents' house, with the dogs curled up around me, on the couch, I sleep really wonderfully. So it meant a lot when I still was sleeping miserably last night. I decided tonight to start taking more depakote. I don't want to cut down the antidepressants because I'm not out of control, but I'm definitely not right. And partly I realize that because I realize I'm getting too argumentative and bossy and grandiose feeling. I realize I'm arguing inappropriately, I'm irritable and restless, and feel constantly bored. I also notice mild bits of paranoia creeping in. I'm extremely prone to that; I begin to think that everyone around me is really conspiring against me or every action has a deep, back-stabbing double meaning.
So, anyway, yeah. Still waking up. I slept about four hours straight, though, which is better than it had been for a while. Had another dream about my dad having an affair. And later had a dream about this very strange house, and a kind of weird party, where a couple of sick-in-the-head guys end up showing up...and eventually I end up with a gun jabbed into my back, and piles of bodies being picked up and shot or beaten with the butt of the gun and tossed aside, where I'm trying to get to my car to get the hell away...
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[19 Jul 2003|12:18am] |
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God these antidepressants I have me on make sleeping a bitch, but boy I've been getting shit done!
NOTE TO SELF: Remember to point out that Kaiser *does* believe in pill-splitting with regard to viagra--contrary to what a certain (ahem, clearing of throat, see previous post) person said to me, making me change other stuff. I'm right, I'm right, I'm right! Ha! In your face!
I mean, I do feel, I realize that, yes, I do show all signs of a non-dangerous hypomania, I'm not impaired--on the contrary I'm quite productive--but I've been a lot more argumentative and riled up at work, quite restless (which isn't quite a bad thing when it masquerades as hard-working) picking up tasks wherever I can. I know I'm boasting too much, but I try to keep it to what I can really back up, and sometimes I just can't shut up. I'm a little scatterbrained, but not so bad. My sleeping is improving. I mean, it was pretty crazy there for a while, sleeping only an hour at a time and all...and I wouldn't say I'm sleeping long or well or anything...but I'm sleeping fairly normally.
All this is such that I don't anticipate crashing, although I felt mildly down today and dysphoric-ish, irritable and antisocial, or getting out of hand--not that I ever got out of hand, anyway, at least manically.
Anyway, my real point is this, I got so much done today. I went to bed, I thought I was gonna sleep, but just found I wasn't tired. I've been cleaning and stuff (really, things are boring me, but tv and books can be boring is the truth) and that's been good. Well, namely what I've been doing is organizing my files. I cleaned them out. I have a shoebox with my bank statements from each account, the processed checks, put numerically, stapled to the top, just right of the hole, so in case I want to put them in a binder I can. The statement dates are all highlighted in yellow highlighter so it's easy to keep them all in order. The only exception to the check rule is checks which paid off cell phone bills or credit card bills. I stapled those to the top left corner of the statements, put them in order, and highlighted the amount due and the date. I did the same with all of my paychecks.
BTW, I got a raise!! Yay me! I didn't think I'd get it this soon, so it makes me feel pretty good...ooh, but other things make me feel bad, but I'm not gonna mention that here, 'cause it'll sound awful. But this makes a huge difference. It's a glorious thing to see my paycheck now consistently break the next hundreds place. (hundreds, mind you, not hundredTHs)
I organized my "interesting" file, which has lots of groovy stuff in it, like an article about the place my parents moved to from the Washington Post, stuff about stopping kids from smoking, Seasilver info, a cool article on punctuation, stuff they hand out about drugs when yuo go to college, a descriptive diagram of my palm reading that I did myself, the beginnings of my astrological chart, the fortune cookie fortunes that my roommate at PSU and I saved all year and taped to our door as we collected them, etc. There's also a good article from my "Sex in America" class about teaching sex education to kids, and what's missing in its attitudes towards female pleasure...etc.
I have a bipolar folder, too, where I keep articles I find on it that are good. I should print some off medscape, but eh. I guess I'm lazy. Right now they're mostly from the newspaper, but I like having such collections.
I also, last night, went to Safeway and while there (for bread and luncheon meat for sandwiches) bought this very tall, free-standing stuffed brown horse. I love it. I kiss it on the forehead before I go to sleep--except tonight when I only *thought* I'd go to sleep, but didn't really. It's about two and a half maybe feet tall. I like it. But it sort of freaks me out when I walk in the room, because it's almost like a person. But I knew if I didn't buy it then, then I'd be thinking about it and thinking about it until I went back and got it, and the interim would be miserable...
(I don't want to say "drive me nuts" because I don't want to give you the chance...)
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| RANT |
[18 Jul 2003|07:26pm] |
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mood |
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obsessively pissed off |
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music |
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the toilet flushing |
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Today, at work, a pharmacist made me change a prescription label three times because I wanted to type "Give 3/4 of a teaspoonful..." whereas she wanted to put "Give 3/4 teaspoonful..." She said she had never seen it written "of a" and since she had to put her name to it, I needed to respect that. I understand that respect thing, but for one thing, *my* name goes on it, too, and for another thing...
I'M GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT!!!
On one hand, you can argue that "3/4 of a teaspoonful" is the more correct one, because without the "of a" you are implying that there is such a thing as a three-fourths teaspoon. Which there isn't. There is only a thing called a teaspoon--of which we want to give, in this particular case, a percentage. That percentage being seventy-five or three-fourths.
You could argue that "3/4 teaspoonful" is correct, because three-fourths is an adjective modifying the noun "teaspoonful." But in order for that to be the case, you would need "a" before "3/4."
Anyway, it just pissed me off...like what the hell does it matter...the direction is the same, and if a person can't figure out what it means with the "of a" part, then you can bet that person won't be able to figure it out the other way, either. The only reason *I* care so much, is because it creates more, unnecessary work for me. Which is bad when we're busy, and somebody is going to bitch at *me* in particular if their prescription doesn't pop out as fast as the quickest estimate given. And which is bad because I hate inefficiency, and that's all it is.
Plus it is patronizing when you are told that your "intentions are good, but it's still the same."
(Because the first time I changed it from "3/4 of a teaspoon" to "3/4 of a teaspoonful" and I acknowledge the appropriateness of that switch.)
That particular person is usually okay to work with, but can be so, so ridiculously patronizing. It used to drive me nuts when I first started.
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[16 Jul 2003|07:26pm] |
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What frustrates me about the Tang situation is that he's going to come away thinking I just bitched at him because I'm moody, not because he doesn't know where to draw the line. Sometimes I feel seriously harassed at work.
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| comedown |
[15 Jul 2003|08:28pm] |
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buzzing for major parts of the day, pretty grounded for others, though. pretty grounded right now. my head is killing me. i feel like i was drunk, and this is my hangover. horrible awful headache. anyway, i don't know what i'll do about my meds. we'll see. i guess somewhere in this i'll hafta just call my doctor.
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[15 Jul 2003|10:26am] |
oh my god work is gonna kill me, 'cause i'm late, but fuck it!!!!!!
i feel so lousy. depressed, bummed, in the dumps, blue. i'm going to stop taking zoloft! it's making my skin break out and i think it's making me sweat more....just wellbutrin. i'll tell my doc this when i see her in a month.
the insomnia is killing me!!! it's the worst kind of insomnia ever!!! i sleep about an hour at a time, and then wake up, toss and turn for hours. altogether sleep maybe three hours, in one hour intervals, and during them have awful dreams! i wish i could remember the first one i had...it was a doozy. in last nights, there were this giant maggot-like bugs, the size of small puppies, crawling all over the walls of my darkened room. and there were little black bugs crawling over everything including my skin. and my parents were trying to help me, scrapign these big maggoty things off the walls into buckets--buckets and buckets of them. but it became clear that they'd never be gone. ad i said that i couldn't ever sleep in this room again like this...and i begged them for xanax or "something to make me not care/not mind [the bugs]"
i woke up in such a fit of anxiety, i was prepared to call my doc and ask for xanax. but i am beginning to wonder about something to kick this insomnia and bad dreams. but i don't want to be sluggish. so i guess i hafta cope.
and so the cycle goes back to the very beginning...i haven't had insomnia like this since i was diagnosed. three years ago.
well, maybe it's waht i get for tossing in all these antidepressants. i felt pretty off my rocker last night. i was getting some weird ideas....
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[09 Jul 2003|08:58pm] |
I've been told you still get mood swings, even when you're stabilized. You're functional, etc., but let's face it--you're never gonne be emotionally just like everyone else. It's not a state we can replicate, and the only other alternative is to feel *nothing at all*.
But it's something I'm really quite okay with. I think that too much excitement and too much insomnia--it's been ridiculous lately; I lie in bed staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning--have me feeling like my fuse is sort of shorted. Blaaaaahhh.
I think I'll take some Nyquil--I get good quality sleep on that, without waking up sluggish, and it will help with the poison ivy since it has an antihistamine in it.
This poison ivy thing is a real bitch. I've never been allergic to it until now. And now it's just spreading like leprosy over my legs. Benadryl cream and Rhuli Gel are now an official part of my grossly over-large medicine cabinet.
Anybody need prescription drugs? I could sell 'em to ya cheap...
;-)
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| *blushy face* |
[03 Jul 2003|09:27pm] |
it was on MUTE. it took me half an hour to figure that out.
but this still doesn't fix the f-ing toilet...sometime in the next few weeks that it takes maintenance to come, i suspect i'm going to have to take a shit...
(you all wanted to hear that, i know ;-) you dig it)
but seriously...*whines* this is just absolutely ridiculous.
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